Showing posts with label internet nonsense. Show all posts
Showing posts with label internet nonsense. Show all posts

Monday, May 25, 2009

Everybody's Got One

(Above: three people worse than Hitler)

Opinions, man.

A couple of months ago, I wrote about the inevitable backlash to the rise in popularity of bands who could be tagged with the lo-fi label. I reasoned that a band like Tyvek would become victims of circumstance and wind up getting a fistful of snarky derision from ill-informed, self-appointed cultural gatekeepers when the band released their first full-length. Tyvek actually quietly released their debut album a couple of weeks ago on Siltbreeze. With the limited budget of a label that small, the album (which is quite good, by the way) has gone pretty much ignored by most of the major music blogs, who generally derive their content almost entirely from whatever publicists are sending them.

It may well be Tyvek's good fortune to avoid any kind of scrutiny right now as the backlash is happening in a major way. The band that's getting the worst of it: Vivian Girls.

Take a look at the comments section in this Stereogum post for the band's new video for evidence. Admittedly, the song isn't their strongest but it's certainly not radically different or patently inferior to their material that was being hyped to the heavens only a few short months ago. Some of the very same forums that aided in Vivian Girls' ascent are now bored with them and seem to wish the band would just go away so they can move on to covering the next flavor of the month. I suppose that's what happens when your opinion goes whichever way the wind is blowing. Trendiness is a fickle mistress. In any case, there seem to be three lines of reasoning as to why Vivian Girls are not worth your time. Please allow me to attack a straw man for a moment:

1. They can't play
First of all, anyone who complains about bands like Vivian Girls' lack of musical ability should be forced to listen to nothing but Steve Vai and Rush for the rest of their lives since technical prowess is so important to them. Joe Satriani has a new band with Sammy Hagar. That should be right up your alley.

One of the most appealing things about rock music for me is that it's democratic by nature. Any one can do it. Most of the Velvet Underground's songs are fairly simple and easy to emulate. This was so inspiring and influential that it changed culture forever. One of the most important (though often overlooked) aspects of the original punk movement was its access. "It was easy. It was cheap. Go and do it" as the Desperate Bicycles sang. This do-it-yourself aesthetic got a lot of creative people making rock n roll regardless of commercial considerations or myopic definitions of "ability." Thirty-plus years later, this remains punk's gift to the world. I'm not implying that everyone who started a band using this approach had something of value to offer nor that inspired amateurism is inherently superior to technical skill. However, when one fails to recognize that brilliant music can (and often does) come from players who are less than virtuosos makes me wonder why they're into indie music in the first place.

2. No one would care about them if they weren't cute young women
This is to say that people only really care about Vivian Girls due to their gender and physical attractiveness and not their music. This is often followed by an insult regarding the relative homeliness of their drummer, which is not only cruel and unnecessary but also serves to show that the speaker is just as superficial as those he is accusing. Way to try and have it both ways, asshole.

There are certainly those more qualified than I to discuss gender issues in popular music. However, it should be evident that treating women playing rock music as some kind of novelty in 2009 is fairly despicable. It is perhaps a bit of a Utopian ideal that listeners would see no distinction between male and female led bands. There has always been and possibly always will be the kind of fan who fetishizes the female voice. And there are also those whose libido turns their ears tin, projecting their lust for the performer into the music. However, theorizing that the only possible reason one could like an band led by women is because of the above demonstrates casual sexism at best and bullying misogyny at worst.

3. What's the big deal about them anyway?
Usually, this argument goes something like "Why are these guys so popular when band X is much better?" You would think people ostensibly into underground or independent music would understand there's no real correlation between popularity and quality. Less than stellar bands get buzz all the time. Are you the type so committed to fully absorbing every flavor of the month hyped up by the blogosphere that it would truly bother you if one of these bands is not to your liking? That just shows you don't have much in the way of a personal aesthetic regarding music or "taste," if you prefer. Hence, your opinion is pretty much irrelevant and you should probably keep your mouth shut.

I don't begrudge anyone for disliking Vivian Girls. Taste is subjective and individual, after all. However, you're going to publicly trash them (or any other band) try to come up with some kind of legitimate reason. For all the criticism that can be found on the web's various forums, actual critical thinking is in short supply. This is true not only for the negative but the positive as well. Things move so fast nowadays that there seem to be two or three new bands every week getting major digital ink but it's a rarity that anyone actually explains why these acts are worth your time. All too often, it's just the band's name, an MP3 and a few sentences cribbed from the publicist's bio, like so much spaghetti flung at the wall. I know that trying to describe music with words is challenging but as Woody Allen said, it's important to make a little effort once in a while.

Preemptive postscript: Yes, I'm aware that I'm lamenting the low critical and journalistic standards of internet scribes on a blog, their chosen medium. I'm also aware that for my argument to be valid I would have to consider my blog and my opinions to be superior to others, but you know... I kind of do.

Monday, April 20, 2009

News Item: Internet Now Good for Wasting Time

In recognition of 4/20, I thought I'd present you the reason why marijuana will never be legalized: highDEAS.com

I'm not really a fan of the green stuff myself though I do believe that all marijuana laws really do is turn otherwise law abiding people into criminals. However, the proponents for legalization of pot are usually people so chronically stoned off their ass it's hard to take anything they say seriously. People who have ideas like:
Low Self-Esteem Comedy Club Therapy Centers
A comedy club where you pay to perform on stage. The club has free admission and is pumped with laughing gas and everyone laughs at whatever joke (good or bad) you say on stage making you the most popular comedian and lifting your spirits.
It would definitely lift your spirits until the entire crowd dies of asphyxiation. You'd probably get more laughs at any open mic night featuring a living audience.
Ice Bong Mold!!
If you have seen the ice shot glasses you can buy, then you get were I'm going with this!! Make a silicone mold for a bong that you could fill with water and freeze!! It would prolly be one of the best tasting, cleanest hitting bongs ever!!!!! I have a thousand more ideas just like this.
I'm no physicist but I'm pretty sure taking fire to something made of ice results in melting.
Car Vaporizer
The automobile industry should make stoner-friendly cars.
Imagine a weed vaporizer on the end of the air conditioning duct of your car.
You turn on the AC and the vaporizer (I can piture(sic) a marijuana leaf button on the panel), close the windows and have a nice and hands-free high. Perfect for heavy traffic or long trips (yes, make it a pun).
You know what? Never mind.

Other topics range from timely to metaphysical to practical to (surprise!) culinary. I do have to admit that I've heard worse ideas from people who were stone cold sober than a giant peanut butter cup.

If you think making fun of the unique logic of potheads is far too easy you can also mock people about whom you know absolutely nothing using Omegle, a website that allows you to chat with strangers completely anonymously. Billed as a "service for meeting new friends," Omegle must be a godsend for people without AIM, G-mail, Facebook or any actual friends with whom to chat. One has to wonder what the over/under is for the timeframe when Omegle appears in a segment of your local news as haven for sexual predators.

(As far as we know, NOT sexual predators)
Personally, I use it to test the effects of early 80s west coast hardcore on the world at large.
You: I was in my room and I was just like staring at the wall thinking about everything
Stranger: NO! GET AWAY.
Stranger: And then?
You: But then again I was thinking about nothing
Stranger: Well
You: And then my mom came in and I didn't even know she was there she called my name
Stranger: Yesss
You: And I didn't even hear it, and then she started screaming: MIKE! MIKE!
You: And I go:
What, what's the matter?
You: And she goes:
What's the matter with you?
You: I go:
There's nothing wrong mom.
Stranger: Uh huh.
You: And she goes:
Don't tell me that, you're on drugs!
Stranger: Ooooh
You: And I go:
No mom I'm not on drugs I'm okay, I was just thinking you know, why don't you get me a Pepsi.
You: And she goes:
NO you're on drugs!
You: I go:
Mom I'm okay, I'm just thinking.
Stranger: wow, bad mom =(
You: She goes:
No you're not thinking, you're on drugs! Normal people don't act that way!
You: I go:
Mom just give me a Pepsi, please
You: All I want is a Pepsi, and she wouldn't give it to me
You: All I wanted was a Pepsi, just one Pepsi, and she wouldn't give it to me.
Stranger: just one?
You: Just a Pepsi.
Stranger: so uh.
Stranger: are you high?
Your conversational partner has disconnected.
Take two:
Stranger: hi
You: I'm about to have a nervous breakdown
Stranger: ur a guy?
You: My head really hurts
Stranger: are u a guy or girl?
You: If I don't find a way out of here I'm gonna go berserk
Stranger: u must be a chinese guy,cuz u sound so crappy
There's probably some kind of lesson to be learned here. Maybe not the same one espoused by this guy, though I do agree that you neglect Angry Samoans at your own peril.

Wednesday, April 08, 2009

I'm All For Recycling...


...but I seriously hope these jackets were not made from used materials.

Monday, February 23, 2009

For The People Who Complain That MTV Doesn't Play Videos Anymore...

...I say this to you:

Have you actually seen any videos lately?

Trust me. You're not missing anything.

I happened to catch some of the Fuse channel's "Alternative" top ten countdown this afternoon. As to why I was watching Fuse in the first place... well, they were running a documentary on metal that included interviews with members of Gorgoroth and other Norwegian black metal bands. Needless to say, that's the kind of entertainment one shouldn't pass up.

Anyway, the top ten yielded many surprises to me:

1) Apparently, the Offspring are still making music.

2) Somebody thought it would be a good idea to put the Killers in "beyond the thunderdome" gear.

3) U2's new single is a combination of weird, processed boogie guitars and "Pump It Up"-style phrasing. It sounds like a more irritating version of "Wild, Wild West" by the Escape Club.

4) For some reason, people are not yet tired of that awful Kings of Leon song.

5) Rock videos for histrionic songs featuring sullen teenagers will never go out of style.

I also found out there's a band called The Airborne Toxic Event, who I'm pretty certain was named through the last internet meme (From Buzzfeed via the Onion AV Club):
Here's a totally random way to make your new random band's new random album cover. Post one! Go to “Wikipedia.” Hit “random” and the first article you get is the name of your band. Then go to “Random Quotations” and the last four or five words of the very last quote of the page is the title of your first album. Then, go to Flickr and click on “Explore the Last Seven Days” and the third picture, no matter what it is, will be your album cover.
My result:


Yes, I am available for freelance graphic design work.

Thursday, January 22, 2009

Paleontology for Dullards: Super Brevity Vindictive Edition

(Come on feel the nice)

So I've been ruining this "Paleontology for Dullards" feature, where I rate records I've found in used LP bins by assigning them a cash value, for a while now. No one cares, and I'm okay with that. However, I check out Chunklet Magazine's website yesterday and see they've posted something called The Under $7 Seventy, wherein they list 70 albums worth a listen that are readily available in used bins for seven dollars or under. Then I see a similar thread on the Terminal Boredom Message Board. Neither would bother me so much except:

A) Both have more comments than I've had for anything I've ever posted.

B) I'm still peeved at Chunklet for including, in their latest print issue, a bunch of jokes I made in their comments section without giving me any credit. (Though to be fair, it's really more about the glory than the credit.)

C) These guys are are just listing records. I'm writing full reviews here. Granted, they're reviews all of my dozen or so readers complain are too long and dense but I'm making an effort, dammit!

Thus, I've decided to one up them. Instead of just listing album titles or trying to string together coherent thoughts into paragraph, I've chosen the perfect middle ground: one sentence record reviews.

I think this method should work out well since no one really cares to read more than a sentence at a time in this day and age anyway. I'll readily admit some of the sentences are run-ons but no one cares about grammar anymore either.

(Oh, and please don't mention that I swiped this whole idea from Tim Midgett's $2.99 Wax Necessities in the first place. It's not online anymore and therefore you can't prove anything.)

The Damned Strawberries
First-gen punks show depth and don't suck at it as they later would.
Price Paid: $7 Rating: 85.7%

The Bee Gees Odessa
A very listenable double LP that doesn't quite live up to "lost classic" status but the red felt cover feels mighty nice.
Price Paid: $7 Rating: 100%

Stiff Little Fingers Go For It!
This album could be proof that the members of Rancid listen to bands other than the Clash.
Price Paid: $8 Rating: 75%

Dead Fingers Talk Storm the Reality Studios
Old dudes pose as punks with more credible results than the Police but not quite as exciting as those first two Stranglers albums.
Price Paid: $7 Rating: 71.4%

Melanie Candles in the Rain
The hippy-dippy anthem "Lay Down (Candles in the Rain)" is a pretty incredible song though I still prefer Strapping Fieldhands' version.
Price Paid: $3 Rating: 66.7%

Neil Young and Crazy Horse Re⋅ac⋅tor
Sludgy, long songs from Neil and the Horse that's far from his best work though "Shots" is an absolute killer.
Price Paid: $2 Rating: 100%

Celibate Rifles Mina Mina Mina
Yet further evidence that Australia is the second most rockin' continent in the world.
Price Paid: $3 Rating: 100%

To Damascus Come to Your Senses
Listening to the musical advice of Joe Carducci is not always a good idea.
Price Paid: $2 Rating: 50%

Green on Red s/t
Green on Red made this awesome EP for their debut then, like almost every other Paisley Underground band, had more or less negligible remainder of their recorded career (except for the Dream Syndicate, who made a full album before becoming negligible).
Price Paid: $8 Rating: 100%

Chris D/Divine Horsemen Time Stands Still
Knitters Poor Little Critter on the Road
Danny and Dusty The Lost Weekend
L.A. post-punks go Americana with varying results.
Chris D Price Paid: $3 Rating: 100%
Knitters Price Paid: $5 Rating: 80%
Danny and Dusty Price Paid: $5 Rating: 40%

Holly and the Italians The Right to Be Italian
Of all the albums I've purchased featuring artists who had a song on Rhino's DIY series, this is probably the least essential, and please note I own a Human Sexual Response album.
Price Paid: $5 Rating: 20%

Loudon Wainwright III Attempted Mustache
Within about ten seconds of the first cut it becomes evident that this guy is waaaaay better than his super annoying son.
Price Paid: $3 Rating: 100%

Midnight Oil Diesel and Dust
Commercial rock in the late 80s that's not totally toothless and is therefore commendable though being Australian helps.
Price Paid: $4 Rating: 50%

The Inhalants s/t
U.S. 90s garage punk that's extra dirty, extra simple, extra stupid and, therefore, extra tasty.
Price Paid: $2 Rating: 100%

Adult Net The Honey Tangle
It seems as though someone convinced Mark E Smith's ex-wife she's a member of the Bangles, which actually turned out to be a pretty good idea.
Price Paid: $3 Rating: 100%

Alan Vega Saturn Strip
The former member of Suicide, Ric Ocasek and Al Jourgensen (credited here as Alain) team up for an effort that's less than the sum of it's parts, though one could make the case that the Ministry association counts negatively towards the total.
Price Paid: $4 Rating: 50%

Big Dipper Slam
Major label debut that's much-maligned (and not included on the recent Supercluster collection) but sounds decent to my ears.
Price Paid: $2 Rating: 100%

Townes Van Zandt For the Sake of the Song
This just sold for 70 bucks on eBay and which means my investments are turning out better than most of the country's.
Price Paid: $8 Rating: 100%

Sunday, January 18, 2009

Dear Random Facebook Advertiser,

I might do pretty well in a quiz about the Rolling Stones because I'm a big fan but I have to admit my knowledge of the Crypt Keeper is fairly limited. Did he have much of a career outside of introducing and concluding each episode?

Monday, October 27, 2008

Best. Craigslist Post. Ever.



From the Pittsburgh>Missed Connections:

Will you "B" mine? - w4m - 20 (Liberty Ave, Bloomfield)

I was on Liberty Avenue near (but not exactly at) the Citizen's Bank near Pearl, and I caught you out of the corner of my eye. You were a 6'4" 200 lbs black man, and, I must admit, you're way sexier than any of the 72 year old men I've been hanging out with recently.

I know I might not be exactly your type, but I'm wondering, will you "B" mine?

Wednesday, October 08, 2008

Remember when I used to write a blog?

That was a lot of fun.

I'll be getting back into it very soon. I've just been quite busy of late, dear reader, and unable to devote much time to the semi-entertaining nonsense that constitutes this patch of space of the interweb. I'm quite proud to say that what's been occupying my time are actually legitimate adult activities. (And by "adult" I mean "mature." Not "pornographic.")

There will be new posts forthcoming in near future including and Out-of-Print digital relic, a digitized 90s 7 inch and my finds from the Brooklyn Record Riot a few weeks ago which should provide content for a new podcast and an edition of Paleontology for Dullars.

If you feel the need to send me an angry e-mail regarding the lack of updates, you may want to install Google's new Mail Goggles service.

Now if only Amazon would do the same thing. I wouldn't be left wondering what I was thinking when the 20th Anniversary Edition DVD of Robocop showed up at my door.



I think you just saw about half of the bonus material of the unrated version.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

You might also enjoy...

This week, the long-deleted curio of punk rock cinema Ladies and Gentlemen, the Fabulous Stains was released on DVD, the first time it's been available in any format since it's original theatrical run. I was lucky enough to catch it quite accidentally on late night cable many years ago and I can tell you without reservation that it contains some the best acting in the respective careers of both Diane Lane and Steve Jones. I took a look at it on Amazon and noticed something strange:


Now do you think that some are contemplating "I was thinking of getting this obscure punk rock film but instead I'm going to get this hack-y already forgotten thriller starring Al Pacino. I would just go to the theater to see Righteous Kill, Pacino's all new hack-y thriller, but I'm not really the type to leave the house?" I will admit, however, that I could see a correlation between admiring both scandalously clad punk girls and Tina Fey.

You may have noticed that it seems a lot of people bought Fabulous Stains along with Earrings of Madame de... Click on that film's Amazon page will tell you the 4% of those who viewed that item ultimately bought Road House, which is, unfortunately, not the Patrick Swayze movie.


(Ed. note- If anyone who wants to have a Fabulous Stains/Swayze-Road House double feature, please drop me a line.)

Thursday, August 28, 2008

Now That's What I Call Justice!

Or: Music Blogger Thrown in Jail for Endorsing Awful, Bloated, Multi-Million Dollar Disaster in the Making.



From the Los Angeles Times:
A man accused of posting nine previously unreleased songs by the rock band Guns N' Roses on a website where they could be accessed by the public was arrested at his home early today on suspicion of violating federal copyright laws, authorities said.

Kevin Cogill, 27, is accused of posting the songs, which were being prepared for commercial release, on the Internet blog Antiquiet in June, according to an arrest affidavit. The site received so much traffic after the songs were posted that it crashed, the affidavit states.

Cogill admitted to posting the songs when he was questioned by an FBI agent, according to the affidavit. He was arrested at his home in Culver City this morning and is expected to appear in U.S. District Court in Los Angeles later today, said Assistant U.S. Atty. Craig Missakian.
This is despite Cogill's position of quite possibly being the only person in the universe to enjoy said tracks, saying "if you ask me, Guns N’ Roses are fucking back, and they’ll be just fine."

The recording industry might also want to pick up the proprietors of a little known site called YouTube which has had the tracks up for at least a few months. Even with the flood of leaks it's hard to imagine any fan of Appetite for Destruction paying for something that sounds like Trent Reznor and Sade taking a nap but at least Tommy Stinson is employed.

Thursday, May 29, 2008

I weep for the young people of the world...

...just about anytime I read the comments section of any popular website.

Case in point: Brooklyn Vegan's post about the Staten Island Music Festival.

It's funny. Often when meeting someone for the first time here in NYC they will ask where I'm from, the assumption being that I'm a transplant. I'll reply that I'm a native New Yorker but then usually add "Well, actually I'm from Staten Island." Yet, the other day I met a guy who told me he was from Boston even though he was actually from Cambridge or somewhere. Which begs the question, why I am making qualifications? SI is legitimately part of New York City.

Being from Staten Island is kind of like having an asshole brother. It's okay for you to make fun of him but if anyone else does they're crossing the line.

Here was my response to the comments section hateration:

Not everyone in Staten Island is a Sopranos-wanna be with an orange tan.

Not everyone in Williamsburg is a hipster douchebag with a trust fund.

It's too easy derive a sense of superiority by painting the people of the world who are a bit different than you with broad strokes. At least half of the above commentators should be ashamed of themselves.

Staten Island may not have the grandeur or the concentrated young person populace of certain areas of Brooklyn. It does have some beautiful parks, cheap rents, a distinct lack of pretension and a whole lot of elbow room. It has it's flaws to be sure but I'm certain most of the elitist posturing is coming from those who have never stepped foot in the borough. Your cluelessness and need for acceptance is abundantly evident. Whomever you're trying to impress will see right through you.

Staten Island will be gentrified soon enough. Remember what Williamsburg was like 15 years ago? You don't? Oh that's because you've only been here for three. I hope your band/theater/art project works out and if not I hope you at least get laid a lot before you head back to your hometown. (Sorry. I couldn't resist.)


The other thing that makes me weep for the youth of America: A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Dear viral marketing,

You are now even more annoying than regular marketing.

It wasn't the Aqua Teen Hunger Force scare that crippled the city of Boston for an afternoon that put you over the edge. Nor was it the little lad who loves berries and cream. That merely pulled you into a tie.

No, it was this abomination: whopperfreakout.com

I'm sure many of you have seen the ads on TV. As bad as they are, it doesn't compare to the endurance-testing agony of seeing them stretched out to 7 and a half excruciating minutes. I had to take a look the website for something work-related. (No, I don't work at McDonald's and I wasn't checking out the competition.) I could only make it to the 2:30 mark at which point I decided I needed to pick up my flat screen monitor and use it to beat the person who forced me to watch this atrocity to death. (My trial is pending.)

Are we supposed to mock these people who are so upset that the Whopper is ostensibly gone? Or are we supposed to identify with them? Both, perhaps? Isn't Burger King assuming that viewers love the Whopper as much as the flabbergasted dolts in this ad and even though we're meant to laugh at them we should also feel their pain? Has there ever been a more clear cut case of a company having contempt for their customers? I feel like BK is assuming the role of Ricky Gervais's character on Extras, playing for an audience he clearly feels is beneath him. The King is pissing on his peasants.

Oh Burger King, it's bad enough you've been shoving that guy in the creepy mask down our throats for years. What have we done to deserve this?

Wednesday, October 03, 2007

This Just In: Ian MacKaye Still Alive

So it seems as though Minor Threat/Embrace/Fugazi/Evens singer and co-owner of Dischord records Ian Mackaye was subject to a rather nasty Internet rumor over the past couple of days. Perhaps he was killed via an overdose of Progesterex.

Perhaps even more shocking (and much more true) is the clip below, the Evens appearance on the D.C.-based public access children's television program Pancake Mountain. It's a pretty long way from the Mackaye in crowd on the Fear on SNL clip I posted last week but I suppose 25 years will mellow a dude out. What's remarkable is that this is probably the first actual video MacKaye has made in his entire 20-plus years as a performer.



Edit: Apparently, this clip is a few years old. It's new to me and hopefully a few of you but yes, I'm a bit behind the curve on this one. Mea culpa. In any case, I still dig it. MacKaye has long been a proponent of Olympia-styled innocence pop and this is possibly the only example of him performing something comparable himself.

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

Yes, it is scary

Sidebar ad on my g-mail today:



I don't know what's worse: this or the ad on myspace that keeps telling me about the rerelease of Soupy Sales' 1965 album. Granted, Soupy's kids were pretty good as the rhythm section for Tin Machine but still...