Thursday, January 22, 2009

Paleontology for Dullards: Super Brevity Vindictive Edition

(Come on feel the nice)

So I've been ruining this "Paleontology for Dullards" feature, where I rate records I've found in used LP bins by assigning them a cash value, for a while now. No one cares, and I'm okay with that. However, I check out Chunklet Magazine's website yesterday and see they've posted something called The Under $7 Seventy, wherein they list 70 albums worth a listen that are readily available in used bins for seven dollars or under. Then I see a similar thread on the Terminal Boredom Message Board. Neither would bother me so much except:

A) Both have more comments than I've had for anything I've ever posted.

B) I'm still peeved at Chunklet for including, in their latest print issue, a bunch of jokes I made in their comments section without giving me any credit. (Though to be fair, it's really more about the glory than the credit.)

C) These guys are are just listing records. I'm writing full reviews here. Granted, they're reviews all of my dozen or so readers complain are too long and dense but I'm making an effort, dammit!

Thus, I've decided to one up them. Instead of just listing album titles or trying to string together coherent thoughts into paragraph, I've chosen the perfect middle ground: one sentence record reviews.

I think this method should work out well since no one really cares to read more than a sentence at a time in this day and age anyway. I'll readily admit some of the sentences are run-ons but no one cares about grammar anymore either.

(Oh, and please don't mention that I swiped this whole idea from Tim Midgett's $2.99 Wax Necessities in the first place. It's not online anymore and therefore you can't prove anything.)

The Damned Strawberries
First-gen punks show depth and don't suck at it as they later would.
Price Paid: $7 Rating: 85.7%

The Bee Gees Odessa
A very listenable double LP that doesn't quite live up to "lost classic" status but the red felt cover feels mighty nice.
Price Paid: $7 Rating: 100%

Stiff Little Fingers Go For It!
This album could be proof that the members of Rancid listen to bands other than the Clash.
Price Paid: $8 Rating: 75%

Dead Fingers Talk Storm the Reality Studios
Old dudes pose as punks with more credible results than the Police but not quite as exciting as those first two Stranglers albums.
Price Paid: $7 Rating: 71.4%

Melanie Candles in the Rain
The hippy-dippy anthem "Lay Down (Candles in the Rain)" is a pretty incredible song though I still prefer Strapping Fieldhands' version.
Price Paid: $3 Rating: 66.7%

Neil Young and Crazy Horse Re⋅ac⋅tor
Sludgy, long songs from Neil and the Horse that's far from his best work though "Shots" is an absolute killer.
Price Paid: $2 Rating: 100%

Celibate Rifles Mina Mina Mina
Yet further evidence that Australia is the second most rockin' continent in the world.
Price Paid: $3 Rating: 100%

To Damascus Come to Your Senses
Listening to the musical advice of Joe Carducci is not always a good idea.
Price Paid: $2 Rating: 50%

Green on Red s/t
Green on Red made this awesome EP for their debut then, like almost every other Paisley Underground band, had more or less negligible remainder of their recorded career (except for the Dream Syndicate, who made a full album before becoming negligible).
Price Paid: $8 Rating: 100%

Chris D/Divine Horsemen Time Stands Still
Knitters Poor Little Critter on the Road
Danny and Dusty The Lost Weekend
L.A. post-punks go Americana with varying results.
Chris D Price Paid: $3 Rating: 100%
Knitters Price Paid: $5 Rating: 80%
Danny and Dusty Price Paid: $5 Rating: 40%

Holly and the Italians The Right to Be Italian
Of all the albums I've purchased featuring artists who had a song on Rhino's DIY series, this is probably the least essential, and please note I own a Human Sexual Response album.
Price Paid: $5 Rating: 20%

Loudon Wainwright III Attempted Mustache
Within about ten seconds of the first cut it becomes evident that this guy is waaaaay better than his super annoying son.
Price Paid: $3 Rating: 100%

Midnight Oil Diesel and Dust
Commercial rock in the late 80s that's not totally toothless and is therefore commendable though being Australian helps.
Price Paid: $4 Rating: 50%

The Inhalants s/t
U.S. 90s garage punk that's extra dirty, extra simple, extra stupid and, therefore, extra tasty.
Price Paid: $2 Rating: 100%

Adult Net The Honey Tangle
It seems as though someone convinced Mark E Smith's ex-wife she's a member of the Bangles, which actually turned out to be a pretty good idea.
Price Paid: $3 Rating: 100%

Alan Vega Saturn Strip
The former member of Suicide, Ric Ocasek and Al Jourgensen (credited here as Alain) team up for an effort that's less than the sum of it's parts, though one could make the case that the Ministry association counts negatively towards the total.
Price Paid: $4 Rating: 50%

Big Dipper Slam
Major label debut that's much-maligned (and not included on the recent Supercluster collection) but sounds decent to my ears.
Price Paid: $2 Rating: 100%

Townes Van Zandt For the Sake of the Song
This just sold for 70 bucks on eBay and which means my investments are turning out better than most of the country's.
Price Paid: $8 Rating: 100%


Tim Duffy said...

Somehow by upping the amount of records you covered and making an epic out of explaining the changes to the feature you've made this thing more dense!!!

Brushback said...

I'd steal your jokes, too, but I didn't know you had any.


chnkltgy said...

Dude, give me a break! I'd give you a copy, but to give EVERYBODY credit would take one person ALONE to do it. I certainly hope you hold no ill will as I certainly appreciate your contributions.

PB said...

Mr Chunklet, don't sweat it. I'm just making the fun. It is an honor to have my words appear in your fine publication. Credit or no credit, "Chunklet contributor" is still going in my bio. (If I had a bio.)

Tim, you are aware that irony can be intentional, right?

Brushback, when can we expect your vaudeville act to come to our city?

chnkltgy said...

Sweet. I just didn't want any ill will.