Spam as refrigerator magnet poetry

I'm sure many of you are familiar with Patton Oswalt's bit "The Poetry of Pornography". I received a spam e-mail at an old Yahoo account of mine which I barely use anymore and while it's certainly less filthy than the spam Oswalt describes, I'm pretty sure I could read this at an open mic and someone would be moved.

The subject of this e-mail was:

shops, surrounded

Written exactly like that, all lowercase, ee cummings-style. Understated yet evocative.

The first line in the body is:

Head First Design Patterns

Which has nothing to do with anything that follows but who said poetry has to follow a narrative?

It's followed by (e-mail censored by me):

Hi. How is the day going? Email me at xxxx@xxxxxx.xxxx only. I am
good looking female. Don't miss some of my naughty pictures.

Pretty standard stuff, though the broken english gives it a nice flavor. (Or flavour.)

The final sentence is the real mind blower though:

kids: The American render you any further services. about creating
"super children" contribute to you would be

Wow. That is some pretty dazzling free verse. Who is The American? What services is he or she rendering? Is the service creating these "super children?" What are they contributing? Is it a commentary on the war? Are the "super children" out young men and women dying in Iraq and elsewhere?

Let's run this together excluding the obviously promotional line:

shops, surrounded
Head First Design Patterns
kids: The American
render you any further services.
about creating "super children"
contribute to you would be

Not bad. Anyone want to turn this into an exquisite corpse? Feel free to leave further additions in the comments section. If they come from spam you've received, even better.

This Just In: Ian MacKaye Still Alive

So it seems as though Minor Threat/Embrace/Fugazi/Evens singer and co-owner of Dischord records Ian Mackaye was subject to a rather nasty Internet rumor over the past couple of days. Perhaps he was killed via an overdose of Progesterex.

Perhaps even more shocking (and much more true) is the clip below, the Evens appearance on the D.C.-based public access children's television program Pancake Mountain. It's a pretty long way from the Mackaye in crowd on the Fear on SNL clip I posted last week but I suppose 25 years will mellow a dude out. What's remarkable is that this is probably the first actual video MacKaye has made in his entire 20-plus years as a performer.



Edit: Apparently, this clip is a few years old. It's new to me and hopefully a few of you but yes, I'm a bit behind the curve on this one. Mea culpa. In any case, I still dig it. MacKaye has long been a proponent of Olympia-styled innocence pop and this is possibly the only example of him performing something comparable himself.

The Best!!!

In light of many saying that I'm totally negative misanthropic asshole (a half truth at best) I thought I'd compile a list of people, places or things I think are the best. Not that might be the best but are the best, indisputably. Please read and enjoy. You may comment with a contrary opinion if you wish but serve to display your ignorance or lack of taste.

The best band with a really terrible name: The Bassholes
The best syllable to begin a word: "imp"
The best Arnold Schwarzenegger one-liner: "Let off some steam, Bennett!!" from Commando
The best show on WFMU: The Best Show on WFMU
The best way to appreciate 80s hair metal: as a moment of mass cultural retardation
The best punk rock song about statutory rape: La Peste "Better Off Dead"
The best punk rock song about the inability to ejaculate: The Sniveling Shits "I Can't Come"
The best comic book to read while you're sitting on the bowl: Johnny Ryan's Angry Youth Comics
The best free masturbation fodder on the Internet: http://www.americanapparel.net/
The best Simpsons episode, episodes 201 and up: Pray Anything
The best taking head on VH1's Best Week Ever: Paul F Tompkins
The best band on Matador, circa 1996: Silkworm
The best reason to commit a homicide: Jerk sitting behind you on the bus is yakking it up on his cell phone and won't quiet down no matter how many dirty looks you give him
The best way to irritate a David Bowie fan: Mention Tin Machine*
The best way determine a person is not in the mafia: They say they're in the mafia
The best Cosby kid: Theo
The best argument for Tim Burton not being all that great: Planet of the Apes
The best side of Sandinista!: 3
The best Alan Moore comic, post-Watchmen: Top Ten
The best album of the 1990s that nobody talks about: Prisonshake's The Roaring Third
The best time to take a nap: Whenever you're sleepy
The best name for a character played by Tony Danza: Tony
The best season, New York Mets, Bobby Valentine era: 1999
The best fake trailer in Grindhouse: Don't
The best television show not currently legally available on DVD: Get a Life
The best Mr. Show sketch: Pre-Taped Call In Show
The best band to release a dud of a live album as their debut: Hüsker Dü
The best band to release a dud of a studio album as their debut: The Go-Betweens
The best way to enjoy the Staten Island ferry: When you're not taking it to and from work everyday
The best advice no one ever gave Kurt Cobain: You should stick with that Mary Lou girl
The best sign that a rerun of Roseanne isn't worth watching: New Becky
The best form of birth control: Turning the lights on in a bar at closing time
The best way to pointlessly fill space on your blog: stupid lists
The best: You. Just for being you. (awwwww)

*I'm aware that I've mentioned Tin Machine in 3 of my past 9 posts. I'm sorry. This won't happen again until I find their self-titled LP in a used bin for a buck and review it for "Paleontology for Dullards." Probably.