How to Advertise Creative Bankruptcy

It's simple, really. Just give your band a terrible name.

I was looking through the very popular and useful Pop Tarts Suck Toasted blog yesterday and noticed how many bands nowadays have awful, awful names. Not that a bad name automatically means bad music. (I am a fan of the Bassholes, after all.) But the old "judging a book by its cover" axiom isn't exactly true either. If one is going to show the poor taste and judgment of giving his or her band a shitty name doesn't it stand to reason that the same taste and judgment is not going to produce worthwhile music? Nine times out of ten, it's probably the case. Unfortunately, there are only seven examples below (all culled from MP3s provided by PTST, click on over there if you want to give them a listen) so that tenth time looks to be beyond our grasp. I was sincerely hoping that at least one of these acts would transcend their moniker but...

The Pains of Being Pure at Heart "Everything With You"
Fey, kissyface pop with a heavy Smiths influence. Actually, "pop" might be too strong a word as most pop music has hooks. Pleasant enough though the group doesn't really transcend their (obvious) influences. Coming soon to the soundtrack of a Juno ripoff.

Iran "Buddy"
Michener rock! Speaking of bad names, this is apparently TV on the Radio-related. I'm not a fan of TVotR but nothing I've heard of theirs is anywhere as dull as this. Honestly, this is barely a song and the lackadaisical Malkmus-derived vocals aren't helping matters.

Fake Male Voice "OMG!!!FMV!!!"
Also TV on the Radio-related! Could pass for a Prince deep cut though the purple one does have some rather, um, idiosyncratic ideas regarding quality control. Sexy enough to get you laid under the influence of the right drugs (I'm thinking paint thinner) though the apple chewing during the coda kind of ruins the mood.

Fight Bite "Swissex Lover"
Intro recalls one of the "songs" one could make a on and old Casio by letting it play in bossa nova or waltz mode and changing keys every so often. Then the vocals kick in. Did I say "kick?" I meant "prance." Rivals above Iran track for dubious claims to songhood. And it's like twice as long! Or just seems that way.

Dream Bitches "Bad Luck Bill"
New wave-y garage pop with female vox similar to that dog. Aggressively catchy but gets repetitive and wears out its welcome before the second verse. Cute quickly devolves into annoying sort of like Raven-Symoné during her Cosby years.

Blitzen Trapper "Gold for Bread"
Imagine Tom Petty was less interested in writing songs than making in weird noises. Then imagine his talent was sucked out through his eye socket by Jeff Lynne. Points added or deducted for "Mississippi Queen"-esque guitar tone.

Dent May & his Magnificent Ukulele! "Meet Me in the Garden"
Sample lyric: "The softest boy in Mississippi/Would like to know/Why you're so pretty/Whoa whoa." Yes, he rhymed "know" with "whoa." No, I'm not fucking kidding. Definite Brian Wilson (and possible Bacharach) fixation but doesn't have the skills or the pipes to pull off anything more than a pale imitation. If there's anything worse than dumb guys who think they're smart it's guys who try and sing even though they can't. I bet he gets all kinds of action from the ladies though.

Okay, I'll admit the above is sort of mean and probably proves the Staten Island Advance correct in calling me a jerk. (Though a winning jerk.) These are all fairly small bands trying to get a little recognition. They're the little guys, the Joe the Plumbers of the indie world, and here I am maligning them for no good reason. That is, of course, unless you consider trying to prevent my readership from stumbling into bad music a good reason.

Congratulations on Voting! You deserve some VOM

Don't these videos make you proud to live in the land of the free?







There was a time when I would invite new friends over my place, put on the Angry Samoans True Documentary VHS and fast forward to the VOM videos just to see their reaction. If they laughed hysterically, I knew I was in the presence of a kindred spirit. If they were bemused and a flabbergasted, I knew they'd probably never make it to my top friends on myspace (if such a thing had existed at the time.)

Incidentally, I know I usually post YouTube clips when I'm too busy and/or lazy to post anything else. This time is no exception. Actual blog content probably back next week! Sit tight until then, proud Americans!

The Unblinking Ear Podcast: Halloween Do's and Don't

I would just like to say that if I see any men dressed as Heath Ledger's Joker or women dressed as Sarah Palin tomorrow, I'm going to punch them in the face.

Conversely, if I see any women dressed as the Joker or men dressed as Sarah Palin, I'm going to give them a hug.



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This Moment in Slack History: Morsels from the Last Great Era of the 7 Inch Record

"This Moment in Slack History" collects songs from 90s indie 7 inches. For further explanation, please see my original post here.


DiskothiQ "Massapoeg"
DiskothiQ was the band led by Peter Hughes, sometime bassist for Nothing Painted Blue and current member of the Mountain Goats. All three bands were heavily associated with the Shrimper Records scene of the mid 90s. (Check out the Abridged Perversion comp for a good sampling of the label's product.) Shrimper began by releasing extremely lo-fi cassettes but eventually branched out to vinyl, putting on this 7" in 1994. Packaging innovation!: a 3/4 sleeve with sand glued into a pattern on the back. Perfect for fucking up your other records. DiskothiQ made a few full lengths before disbanding in 2000, most noteworthy being their Football Albums: two discs, one for the NFC and one for the AFC, and a song for every team. No kidding. These and their other full lengths (including an unreleased album) are available as FREE mp3s from the band's website if you want to give them a listen. "Massapoeg" is not on there, however, and for my money it's the highlight of their career.


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Note: If you enjoy this little feature I infrequently do on 90s indie 7 inches, I highly recommend you check out Mike Lupica's Anti Static Podcast for WFMU which is back in action after a hiatus of a few months and, frankly, a lot better than my nonsense.

Best. Craigslist Post. Ever.

From the Pittsburgh>Missed Connections:

Will you "B" mine? - w4m - 20 (Liberty Ave, Bloomfield)

I was on Liberty Avenue near (but not exactly at) the Citizen's Bank near Pearl, and I caught you out of the corner of my eye. You were a 6'4" 200 lbs black man, and, I must admit, you're way sexier than any of the 72 year old men I've been hanging out with recently.

I know I might not be exactly your type, but I'm wondering, will you "B" mine?

Presumably numbers 904 to 933

It's been brought to my attention that last couple of posts (excluding the half-assed Rudy Ray Moore obit though I did beat the New York Times by 2 days) have been seething with negativity and loathing for my fellow man.

While it's easy to criticize (and fun too!) I'm not here to be divisive or make my many readers feel like lesser beings because of their musical choices. I'm here to to share the music I love with the world. Can you feel the love, people? Anyone want a hug?

Thus, I bring you, in no particular order, the 30 best albums that did not make KEXP listeners' top 903 albums list. These albums are all great to brilliant (or 4 and 1/2 to 5 starts, if you prefer) and deserve to be in your collection. All are from artists not included on the list in any capacity. This is because a) nitpicking which Kinks album is best is a subject for another post and b) I'm going to assume that most anyone who likes Sonic Youth will pick up Bad Moon Rising eventually. (Though I'm probably wrong.)

Please note: I am not judging the KEXP listenership for the exclusions of below albums even though you would think a Pacific Northwest station would show some love to Greg Sage and the Wipers or at least have enough Cobain acolytes to be hip to the Raincoats. I just hope they all somehow find their way to my little corner of the blogosphere and discover these musical treasures. And hey, they did have the good taste to include The Dream Syndicate's The Days of Wine and Roses, so who am I to judge?

Real Kids s/t
The Soft Boys Underwater Moonlight
Flesh Eaters A Minute to Pray a Second to Die
The Saints Eternally Yours
Angry Samoans Back From Samoa
The Bats Daddy's Highway
The Fall This Nation's Saving Grace
The Embarrassment Death Travels West
Flipper Generic
Descendents Milo Goes to College
The Feelies Crazy Rhythms
Prisonshake The Roaring Third
The Wipers Over the Edge
The Gun Club Fire of Love
Silkworm Firewater
X Ray Spex Germfree Adolescents
The Pretty Things S.F. Sorrow
The Zombies Odessey and Oracle
Johnny Thunders and the Heartbreakers L.A.M.F.
Michael Hurley, Unholy Modal Rounders, Jeffery Fredrick and the Clamtones Have Moicy!
Tommy Keene Songs From the Film
Dag Nasty Can I Say
Pere Ubu The Modern Dance
The Raincoats s/t
The Rip Offs Got a Record
Jay Reatard Blood Visions
Ponys Celebration Castle
Reigning Sound Time Bomb High School
Sally Crewe and the Sudden Moves Drive it Like You Stole It
Roy Wood Boulders

And to put my money where my mouth is here a guarantee: If any of you go to the WFMU Record Fair in New York this weekend, buy one of these albums and don't like it, I will buy it from you at the cost you paid for it. Offer good on LPs only!!

With apologies to anyone who might be playing it...

...after experiencing more than a few, I've concluded that the CMJ Music Marathon is more or less a bunch of marginally talented people yelling "Me too!" at the top of their lungs.

(Most images of the CMJ logo are kind of boring, so here's a picture of CM Punk wrestling Samoa Joe)

Yes, there are hundreds of bands playing in New York over the next couple of days and a few of them are even good. However, is it crass to suggest that all these worthy bands will be playing NYC at some other point when one wouldn't have to elbow their way through a bunch of should-have-been-wet-spots-on-the-sheets with passes who are only at the show because a) they think they should be and b) are getting in for free? Should "passes will be honored" be a prerequisite to going to a rock show?

I know most bands feel like they have to play the game but given the current state of the recording industry is that really a wise or necessary move? As the parents of most of my ex-girlfriends have wondered loudly to their offspring, don't you think you can do better?

Great Moments in Film History Part III

R.I.P. Rudy Ray Moore

Moderate Rock Made Easy

...or Further Proof that Radiohead has Ruined Music for an Entire Generation.

Just after my post on Wednesday about the editors of Pitchfork's attempt to stick it to Jann Wenner, I learned that Seattle's KEXP radio made their own attempt at a definitive list of the music enjoyed by dull young white people. However, this list was voted on by their listeners rather than dictated by the powers that be (whomever that might be). Of course, one could make the case that the opinions of the listeners are informed by, altered and inseparably linked to decisions of the programmers, be it those at KEXP, PFM or elsewhere. This begs examination of the relationship between source and target, the ideas of collective agreement and perhaps even the fundamental flaws in democracy itself.

I was going to write a lengthy analysis of the list tackling these issues but instead I'll just post the following excerpt which I think you'll agree explains it all:

Eating a Dead Horse

...or A 6.8 out of 10 in Canon-Defining.

Come November 11th, the world will be groaning audibly.

Bashing Pitchfork is about as tired and pointless as reading Pitchfork so I'll give them this: at least they had the decency to release this on the Tuesday after the election thus insuring that a large percentage of the Obama-voting populace would not be staying at home, writing angry message board posts debating the placement of Neutral Milk Hotel.

For what it's worth, I'll still take Rock, Rot or Rule as the ultimate argument settler regarding all matters musical.

The Unblinking Ear Podcast: Math in the Real World

This is my 13th podcast. (Ooh scary!)

Made 2 days after my 31st birthday. (Palindromes!)

I played 3 bands whose name starts with a V. (The 22nd letter.)

It features one record of which only 100 copies were pressed. Another which has only 2 known existing copies. (I don't have either of the originals.)

And the most important use of math in this podcast is that I finally figured out how to use Audacity's "envelope" tool which means I could lower the volume on my mic levels. (Which were, frankly, way too high.)

Now give it a listen and I'll be 1 happy camper. (Thank you.)




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Like totally, yo

Henderson Valley Eggs!! You're gonna love our eggs!!